Sunday, August 26, 2018
Influences of TV
Posted at 5:07 PM
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It was only once in my lifetime of binge-watching movies and TV shows that I have ever laughed in real life on what’s on screen. Every time I look back on it, I still can’t help but laugh and realize how iconic it was.
This was all thanks to Modern Family’s pilot episode, where Cam dramtically raises newly adopted Lily, reinacting Circle of Life in Lion King. From then on, the show has brought me tremendous joy, always lifting my spirits and showing me how genuine love in family is possible.
Last night, “Spread Your Wings (S07E11)” left me bawling my eyes out. Specifically, it was when Phil acknowledged and helped out Alex on her struggle of socially fitting in college. Before Phil leaves her dorm room, he hands her out a paper bag, whose contents should supposedly be the noise-cancelling headphones Alex requested for. Upon opening the bag, inside is a cheesy prom dress and a pair of goggles, simply the items needed for a year-ender freshman tradition, which Alex does not want to participate in. Eventually she wears them and follows tradition. These scenes unfolding before me had me tearing up uncontrollably.
While I do not have the best dynamics with my parents and so much of my upbringing has influenced how and who I am today, parent-child relationships always shake me to the core. The entirety of Modern Family brings out my admiration and jealousy of family togetherness. Their nature of being sincere, honest, humorous, and comfortable with one another makes me hold on to a puzzle that I want fill the void in my life.
It overwhelms me how simply having regular family gatherings and being in touch with each and everyone’s lives are basic things they do. This is done wholeheartedly without any doubt nor with any expectation in return. I have met people with families who live similarly like the characters on the show. I always end up wondering what it’s like to have one. While I don’t expect at any point that my family will transition to close-knit relations, I don’t think I would ever get accustomed to such if it happens by any chance.
I grew up with the mentality that gestures towards family come with a price. I would come across distant relatives who would only pay visits for personal favors. Family gatherings happen only on certain occassions so the sight of any relative immediately equates to a special event happening. Although we may have have a big family on both sides of my parents, I can honestly say I don’t have any relative who I grew up with and knows me personally, and vice versa.
Consistently watching Modern Family has helped me address how I can better communicate with people around me. I have also turned it into a bible where I would want to pattern how I want my relationship to be with for my future family. This is a dream that I hold to that I can and will be part of a harmonious family bond someday.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Adieu 2014
Posted at 10:04 PM
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2014 has been my breaking out year.
Looking back at all the events of the year, I can’t express how proud I am of myself for choosing to let loose and to not give a damn about what people think. It has been a liberating journey experiencing the extremities.
- (January) Losing my three-year old MacBook Pro
- (February) Interning at 7107 International Music Festival, Was rejected on my application for a double degree on Bachelor of Arts, Major in Communication Arts
- (March) Landing a role for the thesis film, Clarice Turns 18; Taking multiple sleepless responsibilities for our major production, Fish-Hair Woman, as the Marketing Head, Creatives Team, and the character Estrella; Cutting my boob-length hair for the play
- (April) Surprisingly becoming part of the Dean's List
- (May) Applying as a photographer in Aracama, Excitingly awaiting the last term of college seeing that I've made new friendships with people I never thought I'd be so comfortable with
- (June) Moving to a new condo unit at Grand Towers
- (July) Completing the Mathematics Program of Kumon
- (August) Volunteering for Cinemalaya X, Finally becoming part of the production team as the Sounds Executioner for DuLa Salle 2K14: Juan Day
- (September) Almost getting nominated for Best Thesis, Getting multiple job interviews
- (October) Starting my first full-time job at Go Motion Productions, Graduating from De La Salle University, My Nanay's passing away and the eventual reunion of my family at the province
- (November) Going to Thailand
- (December) Writing this post
Basically, it's hard to summarize how 2014 was or for any of the previous year for that matter. For the past few years, I've always looked at the end of the year as something to look forward to for the next year.
Now that 2015 is up in a few hours I know for sure huge change is ahead of me. I am excited!
Labels: Pesonal
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Posted at 2:56 AM
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Yesterday morning during breakfast I was given another dose of habitual worthy-degrading rants of my Mother. She rumbles, "When are you going to wake up early to do the marketing? The both of you (referring to my brother as well). Your life's too good."
I admit I am enjoying life. It's been a wondrous experience at work compared to the years before. It is in this times that I am finally having the courage to take the path I desire. I am happy. I feel that my life is doing really well. I am finally making decisions for myself. I am proud of where I am right now.
But I am done and sick of being in this endless cycle of shame. The shame that I'm forced to feel and chew on just because I'm not giving back what's due. I've implicitly expressed numerous times how I have no plans as of the moment to be part of the family business that gives me no interest. I've shown in my actions of which activities I participate in and which companies I've taken into consideration during job hunting. Not one reflects the industry I'm being pushed upon.
Is there a contract I've unconsciously signed stating I am mandated to be physically present in the cosmetics business? Despite being family, does the nature of law automatically require its members by blood to regenerate any sort undertaking at present for the benefit of the future? Despite verbal but evident insincerity of encouragement to pursue self-interests, why am I constantly feeling shamed for what I do?
Outside I am free as a bird. At home with my own family, I am caged in a place where merely sleeping for long hours can only be deserved if you've worked hard and made significant contributions on the eyes of the parents; where creatives skills are blackmailed for confiscation if the wants of the parents are not prioritized; where the privilege to eat, sleep, and bathe are used as reasons for the right to live at home if certain requirements by the parents aren't met; where life is narrowed down to a black and white logic.
Moments ago at the early hours of a brand new day, I arrived home from work. It wasn't because of overtime from work though. I came from a Friday night hang out in the office.
It all started with singing from the Magic Sing and as the beers started to roll in, pizza deliveries arrived and everyone sang to the tunes of the guitar. We spent most of the night at the garden of the office. We were sprawled on the beanbags, singing our hearts out to the songs played by request. It was a Friday and we are creativity-driven young professionals.
I observed each and every person I see in the room. I see them as the people I encounter everyday, meeting deadlines and satisfying client needs even up to the most ridiculous concerns. But to that night, I see them as the people I enjoy being with and the type of people I prefer to be surrounded by in the years to come. That is when I realized I am having a good life.
A good life is not necessarily defined by having all the desires a person would want in life but rather for me at most, it is the position where one is most comfortable, confident, and satisfied to be in at a point in life. I may be facing the typical adult problems (added a portion of drama from entrepreneurial parents) but I am glad to say I am enjoying every single day nevertheless.
Looking back at what happened earlier that day, it won't matter to me how much hurt and pain I'll be getting along the way. If it means having to continuously fight for everything I believe is true and pure, it's a risk I don't have to think about. I just need to adapt to the situation and make the change for myself.
2015 will be my year of transition. This is my solution to the never-ending cycle I'm faced with. I have plans in store. It's going to be a bumpy ride but I want this. So bad.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Types of Drunken Love
Posted at 1:31 AM
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This early morning I witnessed three types of relationships during a drinking session with friends.
First is the nonreciprocating relationship. No matter how drunk you are to the point of confessing that there is still a part of you that likes someone, that person still doesn't like you back. It's not because of your gender, but that person simply doesn't have anything to return back.
Second is the unconscious abusive relationship. No matter how long you have stayed together and have traveled across places, love endures for each other. But when circumstances arrive, subconsciously there will be physical and verbal arguments, which are the lead causes of the on-an-off relationship.
Last is unpredicted nonconforming relationship. No matter how much doubt you have on yourself and with the person you're currently enjoying company, you slowly fall for the game you're proud of starting. You're turning into the victim of an event that's losing your control. You can't help but feel something back for the person whose efforts are unwavering. Hindrances are blocking your perception but these won't matter in the long run. A leap of faith is the answer to all the revolving questions.
Labels: College, Thoughts
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Estrella
Posted at 1:10 PM
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This year, I have been casted as Estrella in our major production,
Fish-Hair Woman. During our week of script reading, novel analysis, and text analysis; the cast has been tasked to create a character profile to better understand the roles we are portraying.
In the heart of Iraya lies a river, where the corpses of the victims rest from the Total War in the year 1987. With her twelve-meter hair, Estrella, the Fish Hair Woman, rescue the bodies for the families who are in search of justice for their loved ones. Haunted by their memories, she finds comfort in Tony McIntyre, an Australian writer who disappears amidst the conflict. Ten years later, as she continues to trace the truth of the past, will she be able to retrieve her beloved Iraya and her heart’s peace?
Fish-Hair Woman is based from the novel of Merlinda Bobis and is adapted for the stage by renowned writer, Rody Vera.
CHARACTER PROFILE
Alone. The infinite space of confinement from the indifference of the world.
Alone. The shelter I have grown to embrace away from the numbness of the people.
Alone. The lonesome township whose population is myself.
Alone would sum up who Estrella Alvardo is. Who I am. I have never understood why everyone around me is either frightened or despised of me. It has never been clear on what makes them act that way but one thing is certain, I am not one of them. For years I lived the way I can be accepted. I practiced absolute caution in what I do because the second I act of out disgrace, I set foot on a world of pitch darkness.
In seeking a modest gleam of hope, I have drawn myself to the ambiguous beauty of writing. It is only through the words that I am sure of who I am. It is only through my thoughts where the truth lies behind. It is only through what my mind is speaks of that gives me hope. Hope where being alone is not the only choice to be enough in this lifetime.
I need not anyone’s appraisal but I believe I am beautiful in my own way. It is in my writings whose elegance surpasses the reality everyone thinks of. I believe my life is patterned from the life of Daragang Mayon whose beauty is threatening contrasting with the breathtaking mythological character. My lineage is a grave that gives rise to the multiple destructions of humanity and no matter if I live or not, the devastation is endless.
CHARACTER JOURNAL
(1) At three o’clock in the afternoon, I look out at the window and see Pilar, Bolodoy, and some of the kids from the neighborhood joyfully playing luksong baka. Their shouts and laughter brings such harmony. My instincts tell me to go out and be part of the recreation but the image of Pilar scolding and hastily pushing me off their playground keeps me from reliving the thought.
(2) Being in an exclusive school has aggravated my self-consciousness. Most of the time I get bullied because my family is poor and illiterate. The students are well off, something I am not. This has hindered me to be friends with anyone because I don’t know what they talk about.
(3) They say the arrival of menstruation from women is the start of maturity. For me, it’s more than that. It’s the start of blossoming relationship with someone I can finally feel family with. She helped me around telling me everything I need to know for every crucial week of the month – even made me jumped from the flight of wooden stairs of our house.
(4) It is through the incentive of education that I have realized my fascination for writing. It is through writing where I can solely be expressive. It is through writing where I can be in another universe whose compassion pulls me in and never want to get out.
DESIRE
My only desire in life is to be accepted. Be recognized by anyone. Be appreciated for the talents I possess. Be part of a harmonious interaction and not feel embarrassed of my actions. Be normal.
MOTIVATION
I occasionally dream of experiences that are not mine. It is as if my soul went in another person. I think and feel the way the owner of the body would. I cannot act the way Estrella would. My movements are uncontrollably set off by another. This has frightened me to an extent that I have come to live with. Eventually I have realized that it is a need for me to write them down no matter if I understand it or not. It gave me the inspiration to write and write and write. Through writing, I can feel voice out what these experiences are telling me. Through writing, I know I can relate with others. Through writing, I can feel not alone at times.
Labels: Theatre
