Fragments Posted at 1:12 AM 0 comments (+) Lately I've been trying to convince myself — perhaps believe — that what I have been feeling is true. No, it's not about a sappy love story (very nonexistent, if you ask me)… It's my career path: the never-ending agony of water works and the very critical issue of my late blossom.

I have never felt this desire do something, to pursue what I have in mind, and to be who I want to be. I'm sure that what I do out of hobby is something I love. It's something that comes to me naturally. It's something I'm willing to invest most of my time to get inspiration and continuously do research on.

Ever since I've gotten the hang of using the Internet back when I was younger, there was never the time that I wouldn't browse through blogs of people who have something to share whether it be fashion, travels, graphic designs, life lessons, and others; as long as I get to learn something from it. It always makes me wonder how these people can capture the simplest things in life. They're able to go into the details of the smallest particles of life that most of us wouldn't even bother to notice. There's optimism and meaning in every aspect of daily life. Suddenly, there's always something to look forward to because of these people who are just so damned expressive. I envy that.

It never occurred to me why I keep up with my habit of getting lost in the Internet. I always had in mind it was a practice that's part of me. But digging deeper, I like seeing other peoples' lives because there's enthusiasm. Every click of a page is like traveling to another country with its own distinct culture. I find my life lackluster that's why I keep putting myself in other peoples' shoes just to be part of the vibrancy they live in. I want to feel the freedom they're able to show off in every chance they get and in everywhere they go. I want to be that person. I want to feel what they feel.

Knowing myself, I know I want these things...

I want to take pictures.

• I want to have my own camera equipment. I want my own kit. I want my own lens. I want my own camera that I can bring whenever and wherever I want.
• I want to document my daily life. I want to make a chronicle of my routines of how I get muta only when I have a good long sleep and my need to a have my bed prim and proper before and after jumping on it.
• I want to take random photos. I want to show the heat I endure every time I walk to Kumon from school and show the face of the guard from my condo who I get to make weird faces with.
• I want to cover events. I want to officially own a press ID and roam around spaces that common visitors don't get to see. I want to cover live concerts, birthdays, weddings, plays, and fashion shows that challenge me to get the perfect moment from the unpredictability of events.
• I want to have a collection of cameras. I want to go to Hidalgo Street and be in awe of all types of cameras that exist in this world. I want to be able to use each one of them and appreciate its importance in history.
• I want to experiment with photo processing. I want to learn to develop films and see what happens if I break the rules. I want to try out all the editing softwares out there and see how I can handle all the functions in every program.
• I want to call myself a photographer. And I want to put up my own exhibit.

I want to live abroad.

• I want to go around places and get excited with every adventure that arrives.
• I want to meet people from different countries and learn to speak in their language. 
• I want to visit historical places, learn the culture, and feast on their cuisine.

(This I have wanted to do since high school. I proposed pursuing college in Australia — even did a huge load of research for this by going to conventions, communicating with Australians online, and visiting student services agencies — to my parents. The benefits were overwhelming but the costs were too hefty for an investment just for me. I was just so bored living in the Philippines.)

I want to have spontaneous travels.

I want to have my works published.

I want to be part of production crews.

I want to be with people who's ready for anything.

I want to go to Cubao Expo.

I want to spend Friday nights watching movies and listening to music.

I want to dress up the way I want without being told I look like shit.

I want to style my hair when I feel like it — and even go bald if the time comes.

I want to buy a variety of thrift clothes from every corner and feel good about it because it's cheap and it looks great on me.

I don't want to live from the expectations of what most people even my family have on me. I don't want to live thinking everyday about how much money I should make just to live. I don't want to build relationships based on negotiations that involve money deals. I don't want to spend eight hours a day in a cubicle, sifting through papers of numbers and memorandum letters. I don't want to set up a business just because it's the only proof of sheer hard work. I don't want to pursue a career that entails carrying someone else's reputation.

I want to build my own path. I want to bring out my name out there from my OWN pool of tears and hard work. I want to live anticipating the beauty of life, not solely for survival. 

I want to wake up everyday without feeling depressed and having the need to reason out my daily agendas just because someone looks at it unproductively. 

I want to get out of this sickening situation because so much time and money is wasted for a diploma I wouldn't even bother showing off. And look, I'm sorry if I'm not living out what you planned for me but that's life. There's always going to be diversions that not everyone's going to be happy about. I know that what we have and where we are now is from the hard work you built up for you, for me, and for us. I am very appreciative and grateful about everything you did but that doesn't mean I'm taking it for granted. In fact, I've been using all the resources that's present to the best of my abilities to learn, to hone my skills, and to find new discoveries.

I work hard. When I want something, I'll do something about it and I'll take my time to get it. That's hard work. It's commitment to reach a goal and it's found everywhere, not just from the field of what you grew up and have live with.

Labels: life, personal