Life Gambles Posted at 2:05 AM 1 comments (+)

“I have no regrets. I will accept all consequences for my actions but looking back, last night made me alive. For the first time, I didn't have to think about or even put up with everyone's shit on me. That's all that matters.”

Yesterday night as we arrived in One Archer's Place from Princess' 18th birthday at Blue Leaf, I saw a woman sitting at the guard's post along the steps of the entrance of the building. When I took a closer look, I realized it was my Mom, waiting for me at past 12 AM in Taft Avenue. I did a mental shake of my head to make sure this was a dream because usually in my dreams, my Mom appears as a monster and a buzz kill in times of jaoy. Instantly, I realized this was reality.

"It's my Mom." I told Jess lightheadedly as I felt the woman getting closer. I couldn't tell from Jess's reaction if she was scared for me or if she thinks I'm kidding. I tried thinking of ways to get out of the situation but my brain was too slow to process at that moment. The woman was now in a clear position and I could see she was piping mad. She jerked the left side of my hair and started dragging me to the car.

"Get in!"

"Get in!"

"Theart, tama na!"

"Gago! Lasing anak mo!"

"Tama na!"

As the car started to move, I looked out at the window. Tears slowly started coming down. I didn't know what to think but I knew deep down in my heart, I wasn't wrong.

"I only did that because I'm sick of everything — of you telling me what to do in my life." I finally opened up.

"Stop it! Stop it!" Mom yelled.

I ignored her and recounted everything that has been haunting me for months. These simple things that just couldn't be solved for good.

I told them straight to the point that I didn't want to do anything with my course, BS Business Management, anymore. I only did it because that's what I grew up with, what I've been expected to, and what I've been told to. I pointed out when they told me back in high school that they would support any course I chose. When I told my Mom I had Communication Arts in mind, she rose up with words I would never forget, "Puñeta! Sino mag-aalaga ng negosyo natin?," and from that moment on, I wrote in all business courses in my college applications without excitement.

Last week, I broke down because I realized I'm so fed up with what I'm doing. I'm presently starting to take my major subjects and I could clearly see how they are all interrelated. During ECONTWO (Introduction to Macroeconomics), I was assigned to define Macroeconomics and Microeconomics. I did my research but ended up feeling humiliated in my class filled with Economics majors and some were even froshies. I understood the lessons but I couldn't answer the basic questions my professor kept throwing at me. I couldn't even define Economics before he asked me the answer to my assigned topic!

"But before you answer the meaning of Mircoeconomics, Ms. Gangat, we first define Economics. What is Economics, Ms. Gangat?" 

My world started to collapse. I moved my head to the side and mentally dug what I could get.

"Ms. Gangat? From ECONONE (Introduction to Macroeconomics), what is Econonics?" 

The thing is, I didn't know if I learned anything from ECONONE. That whole term I only felt intimidated and stupid because the professor kept nagging why we couldn't answer the most basic mathematical terms when we should have learned them back in high school.

I half-smiled. He called out another person to answer the question. Relief washed all over me but throughout the entire class period, I was shaking and I kept pulling back tears.

HUMANBE (Human Behaviour in Organization) arrived and while tackling our first lesson for the term, I realized how I can fully understand the topics being presented. It's not too hard nor too easy but it's basically transparent. Then I asked myself, do I want this? Is this high school all over again that I am obliged to take subjects I'm not fond of? 

The words by Ms. Canivel, my high school Araling Panlipunan/Economics teacher, kept ringing in my head. "Sobrang sarap mag-aral lalo na pag gustung-gusto mo yung course mo." 

By late afternoon, after taking my class in Kumon, my youth leader, Kuya Enold, randomly texted, "Kumusta na?" I couldn't make sense if this was a coincidence but I took the chance and poured out all my feelings in 4 long text messages. I was texting him by the staircase beside the HTG office and even as I try covering up my swollen eyes, some people saw me. Thankfully they didn't insist on asking what's wrong but respected my time and waited for me to initiate the conversation.

Rolling over to Saturday, my condition got worse. It was the day of the blessing and reopening of the newly renovated hair training center at the Philippine Stock Exchange Center, Ortigas City. Everyone in the house and in the office was moving around preparing for the event scheduled at 4 in the afternoon. Since I still had hours to prepare and the only time available to go out, I decided to take a visit at one of the prospective printing press companies at Mindanao Avenue to further discuss the quotation they gave for the yearbook. I would be back by lunch. I called in for an available driver who can possibly direct me to the office or drop me off the nearest place. Kuya Jomar was available and we were set to leave in a few minutes. The intercom rang and when I answered it, the caller's howl was so evident that I, together with all the employees in the office, could hear her voice echoing in the entire building.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING AGAIN?"

"I have an an appointment for the yearbook."

"WHO SAID YOU'RE GOING OUT?

"This is the only available time I have."

"LET OTHERS DO IT!"

"I'm the editor-in-chief. Even if I ask the others to do it, they will still ask me for details. So it's better if I do it directly."

"YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT! EVERYONE'S GOING CRAZY HERE AND YOU'RE JUST GOING OUT WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT?"

I hung up.


Surprisingly, he is in the same position. He's taking up BS Architecture but really wants BS Civil Engineering. All the time I thought he was so sure of his course because drawing has been his talent since we were young. It comes to him so naturally. I can never forget the time he proudly showed me a drawing of a straight line on a paper. He said he drew it without a ruler. What's more, he only took Architecture because it was relatable to business and it was Dad's course. Whenever I hear Mom talking to her friends, she always tells them that once Jaggy graduates, he'll be taking the board exam to make up for what Dad was not able to do. Jaggy's actual plans contrasted to what Mom had in mind: he plans to pursue Civil Engineering and to get a permanent tattoo.

As a result of our conversation, we decided that we would take the courses our parents want and we would take what we want afterwards. It's to give back to what the business has done and to prevent history from repeating itself to our younger sisters. He'll be 25 or 26 when he finishes Civil Engineering while I'll be 21 or 22 when I finish Communication Arts, that's what Jaggy keeps reminding. I'm still young and there's so much time in my hands.

So what exactly is my point from yesterday night? 

I didn't ask permission to go to Princess' debut. Why? I didn't want to go home. If they knew I was going to attend a debut, they're going to make me come home when the night ends. I didn't want to come home because I need to be in Taft the next day for a whole day photo shoot.

I wanted to get drunk. Why? I wanted this week to end well. Last week was so shitty that this week was an improved version. It gave me an opportunity to start the week right with a clear mind. I was dong well in both academics and organizational work. I recited in most of my subjects and even got good feedback from my classmates and professors. I even recited in ACTPACO (Accounting in Partnership and Corporation) — I've never recited in my previous accounting classes! I wanted the happy streak to conclude with a blast. The forthcoming days would be hell busy for everyone.

I wanted to drink to CELEBRATE how this week has turned out so good to me after all the emotional stress I've been dealing with. We went to the party decided that it's a YOLO night and that's exactly what we did.

That is why I believe I wasn't wrong in what I did. I only did it for myself. I deserve something good.

Mom thinks I'm nagloloko because I'm not happy with my course. They've lost trust in me after that incident. They'll be pulling out my stuff from the condominium and I'll be going home to Quezon City everyday after school.

It's funny how she thinks I'm rebelling. From the incident, she thinks I've been doing it a lot — habitually. It's funny how they're taking things from me just from ONE incident. I just find it unfair how I'm being treated. I'm not that person who always makes time for herself. People would always see me concentrated on work and that's what I know as well. Most of the time, I go out for a productive reason. It even surprises me when I'm able to go out around the city with friends to hang out and not be commanding.

Just to get the fact straights...

(1) I've only gotten drunk/tipsy thrice. The first two happened last term: Beryl and Ash's birthday treat at Beach and Sham, Jesyl, and Carlos' birthday treat at Rooftop.

(2) Princess' debut was the first time I didn't ask permission for a formal event.

(3) I've started drinking but I have self-control and I do it responsibly. I only drink with close friends. I only drink when I feel like it and that happens occasionally. And of course, I drink when it's free.

(4) I'm not slacking off in college. I'm doing great in my subjects. I have better focus because of my schedule. I'm attending my Kumon sessions with complete home works. I'm assigned to various demanding tasks in my organizations. I'm even anticipated by the members and even the senior members to run for Executive Board in Harlequin Theatre Guild!

(5) If ever assumed at its worst, the guild will never be the reason for the behavior my Mom thinks of me. A lot do their YOLO moments but I never acted to do the same just because I was pressured to. I decide what I do on my own. The guild will always be special to me. They believed in me even if I don't for myself. And to be persuaded to run for executive board is a huge privilege that makes me cry all the time because I can't imagine the trust they have in me.

(6) I will never smoke. I would not live to see myself do that.

As a result of what happened, I feel better. I'm not ashamed to tell it out. I now know I have the courage in me to show what I truly feel to my family most especially to my parents. I wouldn't pretend to be okay anymore. I wouldn't need to put on a mask every time I come home. I will show them who I am and what I want, and I will prove that I can work for it.

Labels: life, personal