First, I don't want to keep bringing back what I know has shown my bitchy side towards the opposite sex. Despite this bliss feeling of being liked (mostly infatuated), I learned from it. I can't deny I enjoyed every moment of it - who would't? I think every teenager should at least once experience being liked no matter if it's real or not. What matters is that you had it in you. You knew the feeling. You have finally put into action what you have learned from watching and reading love stories on TV shows, movies, and books. 

I'm happy because I got that opportunity. I believe it was an opportunity to socialize with someone on another level. Someone without judgment. Someone who I didn't really expect to be friends with. So much has happened. Good things and bad things. I don't want to list them all down because I know them already. They're memories. I would never forget them. Some events may caused me paint but I would rather reminisce about the happy times. 

I can't really describe how closure got within our relationship but I think both of us know how it is. Nothing was going well as time passes on. But at present, I could see he is doing okay. Happier. I'm very happy for him. I would have thought I'd feel the other way around — disappointed and envious — but I wasn't. I mean I could have felt it but let's be mature here, it's all for the better. 

Second, I want to learn how to grow and keep friendships. Lately, I have realized how I don't make efforts to catch up with my high school friends. I could see a lot of people hanging out with their old pals and it's so effortless for them. I don't know how to do that. Since college started, it's been hard to catch up. I don't want to look at it as an obligation to tell stories about my daily life. I don't want to feel as if I'm in a choked up boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I want to be eager to tell stories about my college life to my high school friends. I want them to be excited for me. But I don't feel that when I tell them about my life. I think one huge factor is my way of telling stories. It's hard to keep track of events by date. I mix up so much events that I think they won't be able to catch on with what I'm saying. It's also hard to talk about people who they haven't met before.

Third, I feel great. Ever since I did a hair makeover, I kept getting compliments about it. A lot have told me I'm blooming and getting prettier. I'm really flattered about it not because of the physicality but because I chose to have that hair. I did my own research and chose that suits me best. My own decision. Some have noticed my previous hair color with three shades of highlights (which was bluntly decided by my Mom even if I told the colorist I wanted an ombre) since my birthday but with the ombre hair (or Denim Folk for Indola), everyone showed their appraisal and it's all positive feedback.

And lastly, it makes me cry to know that I'm starting to realize what I want. What I want in life. What I want to do. What I don't want to do. What chokes me up. What makes me happy. I could finally see the results of the decisions I make. When I decide I want something, I get it. Once I get it, the feeling is satisfying. Not only of self-fulfillment, but also because people start to notice. It is important to me what people think when I decide something for myself because I can't do it alone. I need guidance because it's been hard getting to this point where I am right now. I need to see progress.

Although all these surprises within they year has taken something from me — my faith. I haven't been openly communicating with God for a long time. It's frustrating but I keep telling myself it's okay in a way that I'm doing something for myself. I'm putting myself out of the box: living the life, being liberal and carefree. I haven't done anything morally wrong but just enough to know that I've tried something in my teenage years. I want to do things firsthand because I don't want to be a hypocrite. I don't want to tell other people or even my sisters to do or not do these things because we were told so or because it's in the books. I just want to be realistic.