Thursday, February 23, 2012
Clarity
Posted at 1:18 PM
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The start of the third term has opened a wide door for numerous opportunities. I can't help but get so overwhelmed at what comes before me. The thought of achieving something in service of others' enjoyment has been my drive to push further beyond my limits. I've had sleepless nights and I can barely recall the last time I had a proper sleep. I can't even describe my body clock when it doesn't even follow a certain pattern. I've been hearing how people are so amazed at what I do: the way I can balance my work and study well. It is flattering to hear that but truth to be told, I haven't felt the slightest satisfaction. I think that what I do is not enough. There's always something wrong with what I do. There's still this huge gap I have to fill in. I think keep on moving around just trying and trying to please others and stand higher than those I hold high in regard until I lose control of everything around me. I always rely on people's judgment and commentary and grades from tests just to see my worth.
Lately I've been greatly bothered by the stance of my academics. I have no idea what's happening to me. My Math subjects have been giving me burden since tests and requirements have been coming in. ECONONE has intimidated me to the point where I think I'm the dumbest person in the class. I can't translate situations into graphs because I don't have that kind of analytic brain my professor has. I only know what demand and supply curves are and where equilibrium is found. I'd rather memorize terms and pursue with the way my past teachers have taught me rather than this intellectual apprenticeship style I have to face every Tuesdays and Fridays.
Ever since my first quiz in CBESTA1 came out, I can't help but wonder what the hell I've been doing with my life. I failed my first quiz by 30+ erroneous points with basic concepts. I think the time I chose for the class (2:40-4:10) has affected my performance because I usually get sleepy during lectures. How stupid can I be?!
Then here comes ACTPACO. The class I had to run away as fast as I could before I did this. I had to keep away my tears from coming out and from people who keep on rumbling how insane the test is but in the end they get such an awesome grade. It was the second part of our midterm exams earlier and for the first time since college started, I wasn't able to finish the test. What hurts a lot is that I left a lot of items blank. I had the account titles readily labeled for journalizing but I haven't placed in the amount in the debit and credit columns, which are highly relevant in the test. Also, I'm not too confident with outcome of the first half of the midterms exams from Monday even if the scope of the test were only theorems and financial statements. I passed (just passed) 2 out of 3 quizzes while the third one is evident.
STUPID. One word that keeps messing with my mind. What's the purpose of doing Kumon when I keep reflecting irony? Some think I'm so smart just because I do Kumon but fuck life I'm the oldest person in the branch and a 10-year old Chinese kid is 2 levels higher than me.
Eventually others will say and I'll tell myself some time that it's my org responsibilities that keep me off the track. You know I have 2 orgs. One for passion, one for necessity. You know what I'd rather do and eventually choose. People's judgment and expectations have been annoying me just because I have to be where it's expected to be. Look, I don't want to get in a position where I'm forced to do something I'm not in favor of. I don't want to keep on creating and handling activities just for the sake of having one. All I want is to be in one place. One family. The place where everything's real. The place where you can be yourself. The place your willing to do anything even if it costs staying up all night. The place I'm confident of who I am.
I don't want to be put in a position that brings me down. I don't want to decide anymore where I have to be every Wednesdays. I just don't want a messed up mind anymore!
I know what I'll be deciding. I even doubt my former family would be supporting me next month. It's a test of family. If it fails, it's plain to say I wasted time but it was good knowing what was in there.
Clarity. Just that.
